I don’t know the year or month the vision occurred.  I was in a deep trance in the woman’s office; the woman who looked like a hag, or at best, some sort of weird gargoyle.

Eli had asked me to do what he called “abundance meditations” and this therapist was known to facilitate these meditations.  I had no idea I was going to have any sort of capacity for this; nor did I have any idea the room would start shaking and I would come out of my meditative state to see the therapist looking pale and sweaty and Eli looking even worse.  I had no idea that what I was to see in my trance would have predictive qualities and I would later interpret what I saw in strange and amazing ways.  All this was to come.  Who could know where my life would take me?  Who could know the man I loved with all my heart was turning against me and using me and my powers for ill?  Who could see any of the evil coming?

I have never known stress the way I knew it when I was in court, being sued by my former beloved husband several years later.  I was constantly dissociated, aware that I could not feel my feet or sense my own body in space.   Being in court for me was the most terrible pain – unremitting and building in intensity, no matter what the outcome appeared to be.  This happened every day.  A courtroom is an unnatural place for anyone – perhaps because it becomes almost impossible to be in the moment, somewhat like an airport.  The air is thick with anguish and anxiety, even perhaps for the lawyers who must populate and frequent these unhappy places.   My anxiety led me to have my “grid” displace, according to Donna Eden, my dear friend and teacher of energy medicine.  Whatever that was to mean, I was to have another vision during the next several years of the typhoon; this time of dun colored domino-type pieces of my being moving in and out of place.  I had the strong knowing that I was not to mess with these pieces.  They were the fundamental structure and stronghold of my chassis, or grid.  If I even tried to put them back into place I would cause an earthquake in my elemental glue and this could cause my certain demise.  I intuitively knew not to mess with anything.  I knew I had to endure, and keep enduring until things resolved on their own.

This vision became important because of the resolution in a dream I had about a month ago, but I am getting ahead of myself.  Let me return to the abundance meditations and what I saw there…

I saw three doorways.  The first doorway had an acorn smack dab in the middle of the doorway, hanging somehow in space.  The second had a beautiful diamond in it.  The third had a robed man in it – a man with a beautiful gown of a certain dun-colored, dusky rose.  The color was to repeat ten years later in the resolution dream, but here I am again, ahead of myself.

The significance of the diamond was to become huge, and will deserve its own story at a later time.  It has to do with the death of my mother and the inheritance of her diamond ring.  Only I did not inherit the ring she left to me in her will:  I was asked to buy it from the estate if I wanted to own it or it would be sold.   My mother assisted me in doing so, even appearing to me after her death telling me when and where the ring was being sold by my confused and therefore uncharacteristically unkind brother.

When my beloved father died last year, I was able to attend his memorial service in South Carolina several months after his death.  I looked in such gratitude and affection around the table after a family lunch.  I beheld my sister and brother, realizing we were the ones who were left, so very happy we were all together, looking forward to getting closer to them, thanking God we were relatively healthy and could make more effort to stay in touch with one another.  I drove off from the restaurant in Sumter, South Carolina, vowing to myself to call my brother and sister at least once weekly, and making sure I returned often to see them.  I felt wave upon wave of love and devotion to my siblings.

Upon my return to California I was served court papers to let me know my sister was suing me for money she claimed I owed her.  After several months and more and more stress, the judgment was to come in my favor.  I did not owe her any money, and the Judge in the matter actually accused my sister of perpetrating fraud upon me and on the court.   But the damage had been done and the story of my alleged owing my sister money had apparently been percolating for some time.  My brother used my sister’s ongoing litany of complaints against me to join with her.  He has refused to speak to me now for many months.

Ten years ago, when my foundation was unstable, the shock of this kind of action would have undone me.  I would have been unable to cope at all, and surely would have fought this kind of overwhelm by arguing with it – by defending myself, by opposition, by constant anxiety and stress over what was happening.  I would have been unable to accept it on any level.   Today, while terribly painful and truly unjust, I am just sad.  I do not for one moment understand why my brother has turned against me.  He is not forthcoming with words and will not share with me why he will not speak to me.

I sometimes miss him so much my stomach hurts.

Today I walked the dogs and saw a cabbage plant in perfect symmetry displayed profusely in someone’s yard.  It seemed to grow on its own, each “head” more perfect than the next.  I wanted to be with my brother and ask him about Plato’s Solids.  I wanted him to explain pi to me and the symmetry of Euclidian geometry displayed naturally in plants.  I wanted him to teach me more about equations and physics and geometry and things he knows about.  I miss him. I want to know things he knows.

I wish I wasn’t alone.  I wish I had a family.  I wish I could show up at my Launch Party next week with a family member who had my back.  I wish I could share my accomplishments as well as my failures with my brother and sister, like I did with my mother and father at one time.

I remember with such pride how much my mother loved the first chapter of my book, First Kill All the Lawyers.  She was moved and impressed, she said, and my father was equally encouraging.  This was many years ago, when the first chapter had only to do with how to fill out legal forms and act as one’s own attorney in family court.  There was little of a memoir of the stürm und drang filled years of my marriage to Eli.  Mercifully, I did not write these chapters until after my parents died.

There is no rhyme or reason sometimes in life – no logic in chaos or divine will.  I know my brother has very little facility for communication sometimes.  I get that he has a very hard time talking about his feelings.  It is hard sometimes not to feel like a victim.  It is hard sometimes to just accept that people leave us, people move away, family members abandon other family members for reasons of their own and choose not to communicate why.  Sometimes I want to slap whoever made my brother so powerless over his affect – being the big sister who should have protected and cared for him long before any problem arose.  I regret how little care I have proffered his way over the years.  I regret how my self-centered life took me from tending to my family in the past; perhaps karmically giving me exactly what I deserve yet least want now.

The man in the dusky-rose robes was the Dalai Lama.  He appeared to me in a dream last month, kissing me on the lips, adoring me, making me feel safe.  He told me that my name was “Patience.”  He pronounced it in French :  pah see ance.   He told me that this meant “Eminence.”  This was the completion of the vision.  After he kissed me I was to feel my grid shift and feel the pieces which had been out of balance palpably right themselves.  The color of his robes was exactly the color of the displaced grid pieces I witnessed in a vision ten years previous.

Never have I had a dream so real – I could taste the lips of the great being.  I could feel the lines on them, smell his skin, and feel the texture of his clothing.  Everything was way too real and lucid to be a dream.  I visited some ancient and far-off part of my being, cast aside for protection, which took care of itself and did not have to use force to “fix” itself….The years of (not so patiently) waiting were validated by a great and sentient being, who not only had a mischievous look in his eye, he was sexy and funny and very, very real.  This was certainly what is called a lucid dream.

Whatever happened in the past; well, today, it is – strangely enough – all okay.  I miss my sister and brother.  I miss my parents so terribly it is like they died today.  I feel like an orphan with no family member to turn to.   Something in me has ceased fighting everybody and everything.  I notice that when I take the resistance off the arguing in my own mind, the feeling state of sadness is palpable.  How easy it is to see why I stayed angry for so long:  anger is the heavy state of grief.  It feels oddly protective.

I have not interpreted the acorn in its entirety.  There is a great deal in the symbolism of the acorn:  not just as a seed representing something growing into something greater, but in the morphological resonance spoken of by Rupert Sheldrake.  The field contains the thing, whether the thing is in its fullness, or not.  The acorn represents not only the field, but the knower of the field.  This is a huge idea, deserving more space than a paragraph.  So I will give it more space one of these days.  And maybe my siblings will give me more space, too, one of these days….  Maybe, just maybe…

–To be continued.

Revised, 5/5/2014